‘I’m not attracted to my wife any more. And I’m ashamed of the reason.’

I’m sitting here trying to work out the best way to put this – because there is no right way. There’s certainly no good way. It’s not something I want to say, but if I’m honest with myself I’ll say it.

I’m not attracted to my wife.

It’s not the sort of thing you can share with people generally, is it? I know I can’t, because I’d feel disloyal. I’d feel like I’m belittling my wife and that’s the last thing I want to do. And it’s not what she deserves. She’s a good woman. A wonderful woman. A much better person than me.

“I’m simply not attracted to my wife.” Image: iStock.

But I’m not attracted to her. I love her smile, her nature, her personality, her warmth and wisdom. But I’m starting to think I love her like a sibling – and that’s a horrible place to be. Yes, you’re right – especially for her.

Maybe if we’d been married for 20 years or so it would feel more understandable and acceptable, but we only got married five years ago and we’re both in our late 30s/early 40s.

I know the reason why I’m not attracted to my wife and there’s no good way of saying this either.

My wife got fat.

I look at my wife and I can’t see past the double chin. I want to see past the double chin – Lord knows I have tried to see past the double chin, but it’s like a mark on a clean shirt; once you see it, you can’t ignore it. It’s there.

“In the past three years my wife has gone from a size 10/12 to a size 18.”

In the past three years my wife has gone from a size 10/12 to a size 18, and there is no U-turn in sight. Yes, there are reasons for it. No one chooses to get fat. But by now the original reasons seem to have dissipated. It’s now a chicken-and-egg situation – my wife got fat because she started to drink. And she started to drink because she was unhappy. And now she’s unhappy because she’s fat.

I’m not blameless in all of this. I’m sure I’ve contributed to her unhappiness, but most of her unhappiness has been related to external forces. Work, family, friends – it hasn’t been easy.

But at what point do you look at yourself and say ‘I’m fat and I’m going to change it’? Actually, not say you’re going to change it, actually change it. Start to change it and stick with the program.

“My wife got fat because she started to drink.” Image: iStock.

There have been gym memberships and diet programs and exercise plans and any number of other strategies but my wife hasn’t stuck with any of them for more than a fortnight. It’s all too hard, she says, and I’m sure it is – but there’s no other way.

Is beauty truly skin deep? Am I shallow beyond all redemption? Or am I just human? I’ve been jumping from one to the other for what seems like forever. Isn’t there an unwritten rule in relationships that you both do your level best to stay not just attracted to one another but attractive to one another?

Have you listened to the Debrief Daily team on why more couples are having a second wedding? (Post continues after podcast.)

I’m not attracted to my wife and our marriage is suffering as a consequence because there’s no flame; there’s barely a flint. My wife knows how I feel. I’ve never told her, of course. I mean, how on earth do those words ever come out of your mouth? But she can sense it. She can see it in the way I don’t look at her. She can hear it in the words I don’t say. She can feel it in our empty embraces. She can read it from the pages of our diminished, one-dimensional, very occasional,sex life. It’s not a sex life. It’s a near sexless existence. And we’re both too young for that.

I want my wife to lose some weight. You can’t help how you’re hardwired. I want my wife to be healthy, feel good about herself and take pride in her appearance. I don’t care if that sounds shallow but, then, I do. I hate myself for feeling like this. I hate myself for not being bigger than this. I hate myself for letting it get to this. My wife deserves better. Better than me. I wish I could be the man she thought she married. But I’m not. I’m me.

And I’m not attracted to my wife.

Have your feelings about your partner changed? Has your partner put on weight? Are you still attracted to them?

If you found this interesting, then you might want to read…

Confessions of a trophy wife: ‘I’ve become a cliche’.

“I wanted to give my wife back the healthy body she married.”

‘My best friend had an affair with my husband. So I married her’s.’

Here are the comments

Athena

This is very obviously the result of a deeper issue- why is she drinking? There’s a strong emotional element to all of this, and you making her feel ugly or inadequate will most definitely exacerbate things! Minielise had the best advice.

It all comes down to reminding someone that life is fun, and the fun things are easier to do with energy!
John

I think a big frustration for a lot of guys is the fact that such an important aspect of marriage is somehow culturally turned into the “third rail” when it comes to marriage. I think men should stick by their vow “in sickness and in health”, and believe just as firmly that both spouses should “love, honor, and respect” each other enough to keep themselves attractive.

When I look at the large numbers of men who refuse to date / marry overweight women, I think it has as much to do with the silent suffering they have to endure with being labelled shallow for bringing it up as it does with the obvious health and attraction downsides to it.
youknowit7274

I’m not attracted to my wife and we have nothing in common anymore. It took 8 years to catch them. But my wife had and emotional affair with her best friends husband who was also a friend of mine. During these eight years she apparently confided in him and he accepted her and made her feel pretty. During this time she packed on 70 lbs. know after gym memberships, attempted works together diets and all the hopla. I know she continued to be unresponsive to me while focused on his acceptance. We have two wonderful children and don’t want to hurt them. I just have absolutely no interest in my wife. She also claiming she doesn’t remember how far they went emotionally of what they talked about. It’s been a year and I still can’t let go. One because:
1. She hasn’t come clean.
2. He was supposed to be a family friend.
3. She let herself go and became complacent with me while focused on him.
It’s Saturdaay and I’m bored out of my mind.
Paul Turner

We live in a world where everyone makes., lets call them hundreds of discernments every day, get over it!!! in fact calling someone shallow is one of them. People get fat, its due to many reasons, the number one reason is a our diet and the fat and sugar saturating most of the products in the grocery store. I don’t have to tell you why, its all well documented. Europeans are a lot slimmer because they eat better. Add to this the propensity of most people to lose their figures as they age. Very few people have those ultra slims bodies that never put on weight. I am one of them, it doesn’t matter how hard I try I simply cannot put on weight. In fact I get reverse judgments fired at me because I am 6’4″ and weight 175. I have been this weight my whole life since I was 18 , I’m now 55. I don’t like over weight women I simply don’t get turned on around someone overweight, its purely a physical response, my body doesn’t respond. Calling that judgmental is incorrect. Judgments come for the thinking process not the body response. Learn to tell the difference between mind and body. That all there is to it. IF someone gets fat tell them. Lying to make em feel better never works.
JA

Much of the sentiment in these comments is downright scary. The poster has nicely spoken of his wife and has admitted that, although he feels bad for her, he has lost attraction for a completely valid and, understandable, reason.

Let me play Captain Obvious for just a moment: gaining 40+ pounds but then expecting your husband to find you attractive IS NOT NORMAL. It isn’t even reasonable. Yes, of course there are men who won’t find extra weight unattractive, but a plurality of men require the subtle visual cues on a woman’s body that disappear as she begins to gain weight. If you don’t understand this, perhaps you should study more about how men are attracted and what you can (and should) expect when they aren’t. For completeness sake, I find it necessary to emphasize that expectations should be a two way street and never communicated from malice or antagonism.

Kudos to the poster for his authenticity and propriety in describing the problem. Don’t back down, sir, but do speak kindly in love. Encourage her to get into a regular exercise and healthy eating regimen with you. If she asks hard questions, give real answers. This is the best you can hope for.
Jackson

I can relate. I love my wife dearly. I’m so grateful that she gave birth to our beautiful daughter 3 years ago. Since the pregnancy, she’s gained more weight and she now weighs a considerable amount more than I do. I understand that pregnancy puts a massive burden on the body and it’s incredibly difficult to undo, unless you’re gifted with really good genes. She has always had body issues, in spite of the many times I’ve told her how good she looks (even when she was a little overweight). My wife knows she’s overweight, but does very little about it. To make matters worse, she’s a stress eater with a stressful job, so she ends up snacking on junk food at her desk and in the car during her commute. I’ve never told her that I think she’s overweight, but like I said, she knows she is and she can probably intuit it from the lack of passion in our marriage. Without any passion, it feels like we’re nothing more than roommates who happen to be raising a child together.

Again, I love her. I want to want her, but there’s no attraction and I feel guilty about it.
Tampa

EN you are not alone in feeling like this. I could have written this post. I’m in the exact same situation. Have you resolved anything? I also believe that sexiness is an attitude. Any woman/man can be sexy, exude sexuality regardless of size and show you that they are interested. Mine doesn’t even try any more and with the compounded weight I have no desire to have sex with her. I’ve read some of the other post below and of course people change over time, but it doesn’t mean you just give up and not care about your appearance, health etc..!
wilfred

For this very reason both my husband and I work out and watch what we eat. After 4 kids I can still fit into that wedding dress. He’s a body builder and I love his body. IT helps when you find your partner attractive. We are happier than we’ve ever been.
Luke

I’m in similar situation. We’ve been together about 14 years. We have a couple of children, she works a few days a week. When we met she was into the gym – not any more. Obviously it’s hard to get out with the children but i’ve bought her gym memberships and she’s gone once. I’m happy to look after the kids while she goes.
The problem in my opinion is alcohol. She drinks on average at least 5 bottles of white wine a week, probably more and has done for about 5 years. She was never slim – it’s just not her body shape but now she’s become obese – actually looks pregnant. I have no problem with a bit of extra weight and if it’s out of your control fine. What aggravates me is it is so self destructive. There is no reason, with a bit of will power, she can’t stop this downward spiral.
She doesn’t believe she’s an alcoholic and is still very functional. I’m not sure at what point you are one. By the time I get home at 6 she’s usually drunk or at least getting there. I can’t get a decent conversation out of her and she’s defensive. By 8 she passes out in bed.
I’ve asked her to stop and when she’s sober often she says she will but doesn’t.
I was drinking quite a lot of wine but gave up. I’m dropping my weight, have lost my gut and am about 82kg. She seems to resent this. If I ask her to stop when she’s drunk she’ll say ‘pot and kettle’ even though i’m doing something about it.
I’m really getting to the stage where i’m thinking about packing it in. It was never on the cards to be married to an alcoholic. I’m not attracted to her. I originally was attracted to her personality – she was active, adventurous, happy. Now she’s depressed, negative, doesn’t want to do active things with the children. On the weekends I feel like a single dad as I always end up taking them out on my own. I don’t want to leave. I want my children to grow up with mum and dad together. Neither do I want them to live in a disfunctional house or to live a passionless life.
http://mismiscellaneous.wordpress.com Jess

Do not feel bad about this. You’re not shallow. You could do more to help her, but your feelings are normal. Love may be unconditional, but physical attraction is another thing. If she’d gained a dress size, then you’d be shallow, but 4 dress sizes means a hell of a difference to a person’s appearance.
Karen Grosse

So you stated that there has been gym memberships and diet programs etc and that she hasn’t stuck with them. But not once have you tried to do it with her. Maybe the issue is that you aren’t fulfilling your role as her husband and taking things on in a partnership way. You can’t expect her to do things on her own, if you aren’t there to help and encourage her. If you do it together, there’s more responsibility/accountability in fulfilling the quest!
Geniel

I think the answer is to be honest about your feelings in the most kind, loving way possible. Your feelings are valid. And so are hers. Offer help, love, and support in her weight loss journey. Ask what you can do to make it easier for her to eat healthy and find time to exercise. Don’t look at it like it is all her burden to carry. She can’t do it alone.
truthisntpretty

“My wife’s an alcoholic but IM more worried about how she looks ” FAIL
Andrew

I was with a women for 7 months, she gained about 10 kilos in last 6 of them. Even though i felt like the biggest asshole for saying it, i said to her after she’d gained about 5 kilos that you still look fantastic, but if you keep going the way you are going, one day it wont look so good. She got upset. I said to her, would you prefer i said to you one day that i am not attracted to you, or would you prefer i said something way before it got to that point? She said i prefer you said something. I tried to get her to exercise with me, but she kept coming up with excuses not to do it. It was starting to affect my motivation.

5 kilo later the attraction was gone, and i realised that that was pretty much all we had in the relationship. I called it off. It wasn’t just the weight, it was her attitude about fitness aswell. I guess if i liked more things about her, the weight wouldn’t have been an issue. That was my fault, i should have realised sooner that our lifestyles were incompatible.

I don’t think it’s unreasonable for people to stay a similar weight throughout the majority of their lives. Make exercising a couple of hours a week a priority, and be reasonably consistent with your eating habits. I have uncles and aunties in their 60’s who exercise and they’re in great shape. My parents don’t exercise and they’re now overweight with diabetes. That will not be me, and i want a partner with the same attitude.
- Sattieg
  
  Me too! Let’s get together ;)
  - Andrew
    
    lol if you’re in Melbourne, 30’s, one kid or less, on the high end of the intelligence spectrum, but not too high on other spectrums, let’s do it ;)
Some random dude

“Men age like wine and women like milk” The underlying issue is that the author waited until his 30’s to marry someone similar in age to himself. Most men value thin and feminine over most other attributes because we are visual creatures sexually. I mean no disrespect but when you marry a 30+ woman you have to know she’ll be hitting the wall sooner than later. Her best years werent given to you so why should you return the favor? As men we realize that most women dont want anything to do with us in our younger years because we arent eatablished and successful. Women on the other hand feel they still have tons of value in their 30’s even though most logical men in similar age wouldnt even consider them. Atleast if you’d married at 22 you could remember you wife being hot for a decade or more rather than a couple short years. I peraonally have tried to be with some overweight girls in the past and definately feel you pain. I swear im maybe 50% of the man i am with someone thin. My body literally rejects any notion of sex with fat women. Basically her best years were likely spent hooking up then when she saw the end of that road fastly approaching she snagged up a husband and tried to be the best wife she could. This is also a large part why divirce is so popular these days. Look at online dating and see how many 30+ ladies are lookong for “the one” now that there done with “the hundreds” Too little too late is what i say. Find a new wife and make sure shes thin and preferably not from a western country. Chances are way higher that she remains attractive/attracted.
- JA
  
  Much of the sentiment in these comments is downright scary. The poster has nicely spoken of his wife and has admitted that, although he feels bad for her, he has lost attraction for a completely valid and understandable reason.
  
  Let me play Captain Obvious for a moment: gaining 40+ pounds but then expecting your husband to find you attractive IS NOT NORMAL. It isn’t even reasonable. Yes, of course there are men who won’t find extra weight unattractive, but a plurality of men require the subtle visual cues on a woman’s body that disappear as she begins to gain weight. If you don’t understand this, perhaps you should study more about how men are attracted and what you can (and should) expect when they aren’t. For completeness sake, I find it necessary to emphasize that expectations should be a two way street and never communicated from malice or antagonism.
  
  Kudos to the poster for his authenticity and propriety in describing the problem. Don’t back down, sir, but do speak kindly in love. Encourage her to get into a regular exercise and healthy eating regimen with you. If she asks hard questions, give real answers. This is the best you can hope for.
Jenny B

I applaud your honesty, and I think this is probably an issue which affects many couples.

I also believe you are not as shallow as you (and some of the commenters) are assuming. From what you describe in the article you do care about your relationship, but there have been some life challenges and your wife’s drinking and weight gain is a symptom. Your feeling of powerlessness is also a symptom.

I suggest you treat this as a problem you both own and need to tackle together. The issue is more than her weight gain. Seek counselling together, and work out what you can do to support each other’s emotional and physical well-being in this situation AND going forward.

Don’t say something like:
“You need help and I’ll support you”, but instead say something like:
“Things have been tough. Let’s see a couples counsellor to learn how we can strengthen our relationship.”

You may discover that your attraction is renewed and strengthened through a deeper emotional connection, regardless of whether the weight loss ultimately occurs or not.

Good luck.
ShawnMarie Stephensmom

Honestly, I was that “Fat” wife. After loosing both of my parents, I spiraled into a deep depression and having several operations myself, I gained a Lot of weight.
My husband and I met in the Army so you can imagine how unattractive I was to him. At one time I was lean and active and full of life and then one day, the world fell out from under me when my mother died. It changed me forever and I lost myself for years. Our marriage suffered, our sex life; nonexistent and I ballooned to nearly 200Lbs.
Today, I’m a healthy 125 and my husband is now gaining weight. Lol, the irony!! For years I wasn’t “sexy” but now I’m “fridged”. The tables have turned and now I am not attracted to my husband. Not because of his weight gain, because he wasn’t the man I thought he was. When I needed him, he judged me; my appearance and moods. Now that I’m in a better place and feeling myself again, my self-esteem is back and I’m not too sure if HE is good enough for me.
- Bill
  
  There is someone out there that would kiss the ground that you walk on just to see you one more time, even from a far.
- Bill Benson
  
  I cannot endorse your reaction. You have an opportunity to model the kind of support you feel you missed out on, to him. The trouble with gaining the moral high ground is that it is often very hard to maintain it – but you should, and you should offer to let him share this better place with you. You might save both of your souls, not just your marriage.
- RTR
  
  Well done for losing the weight! Go drill sergeant on him and remind him of how he was with you.
jorge

All the haters can shove it. This guy has a real struggle and goes much too far to avoid belittling his wife who doesn’t even care about her own well being, much less his apparently.
mdc1222

Ok question here………….I am dating someone that has everything I want, shes nice, fun, compassionate and really likes me!! BUT I struggle because shes very heavy and I am just not attracted to her in that way but I doubt I would ever find anyone that is as nice as her!! I just am so not attracted because she is fat and not heavy I mean fat!! and not being married to this person, what do I do? I cannot bear to be intimate because I can hardly look at this person nude its very tough!!!
- Sattieg
  
  If you’re not attracted to her then move on. Plenty of women are nice AND look after their body.
PaulMurrayCbr

An oft-told story.

The second you leave her, or the moment she finally decides to leave you, she will drop the weight like it aint no thing. One of the surest signs your wife is planning to divorce your ass is that she suddenly loses all the fat.

She can lose the weight any time. It’s just that she wont lose it for *you*. And that’s why it’s so important. It’s an outward sign of how much your relationship really means to her.
- Bill Benson
  
  It is not that easy for some people to lose weight buddy. Life habits are tough to break – and metabolisms change, sometimes a very difficult process to reverse. The depression doesn’t help. It does feel to me like the author can be doing more to encourage his wife to not self destruct.
  - RTR
    
    Anyone can loose weight. Just takes hard work and dedication.
- bugzzz
  
  I don’t know if I fully agree, but I can attest that I had an ex who got herself as fit as she was when I initially met her just when she was getting ready to end our relationship. And I’ve dated women since who have done it to their exes.
Minielise

I do feel for this guy, it must be so hard to not be attracted to your partner anymore. About 6 months after I started dating my husband, I had a serious skiing injury. Exercise was impossible, I tried everything to get better but nothing helped…which led to some pretty serious depression. Still, he asked me to marry him when I was already about 50 lbs overweight.

Through everything, my husband tried very hard to make me feel sexy, even though I KNEW that I was not. He’s an athlete and prefers fit, active women (no shocker, most guys do!). He may have been doing a bit of “fake it until you make it” with me, but he’d still compliment me on days when I put a bit of extra effort in on my appearance (your eyes look really pretty with that blouse), he’d still chase me around the house and grab at my bottom or stick his face in my boobs and tell me how good they looked. He was always telling me how much he loved me, and did little things to help me around the house. And most importantly, he still initiated sex on a regular basis and acted into it. All those things helped me to not lose hope!

“My wife knows how I feel. I’ve never told her, of course. I mean, how on earth do those words ever come out of your mouth? But she can sense it. She can see it in the way I don’t look at her. She can hear it in the words I don’t say. She can feel it in our empty embraces. She can read it from the pages of our diminished, one-dimensional, very occasional,sex life. ”

This will not help you! I mean, you have to at least pretend that you’re still into her. You have to say that you’ll always love her. Ask her what she needs from you, and try your best to give it to her. For example, I told my husband that I wanted to get back into shape but it would NOT be helpful for him to monitor my eating, or make me feel guilty for watching TV after work when I was exhausted and in pain. I told him it would be helpful if he didn’t bring a lot of junk food home, and if he did some healthy food shopping on his own. That it would be helpful if he asked me to accompany him if he was going for a walk, and then to go at a pace that I could keep up with. I told him that I still needed a lot of physical touch, hugging, hand holding, cuddling, etc. I told him to please not check out other women in front of me, as it would depress me even more. I asked him to not give me a hard time if I bought some new clothes or other items that might help me keep up my morale and motivation. He did all of these things and more.

I’m still in pain every day, but the pain is less than it used to be. I have lost about 40 lbs and I’m on my way to losing the rest. What people have to understand, is that if you’ve gained weight and kept it on for a number of years, it will be VERY hard to lose and to maintain the loss.

Say there are 2 women, both 5’4 and 120 lbs. One has always been around that weight, maybe gaining weight during pregnancy but then loses it quickly after giving birth. She can eat around 1800 calories a day and as long as she’s moderately active, she can maintain that weight. The Second women is 120, but she used to be 200 lbs. After staying at 200 lbs for a period of time, her body thinks that is the weight she should be (body fat set point). This number goes up, but it never goes back down. Once this second woman starts to lose weight, her body does everything it can to maintain that unhealthy higher weight. It slows down her metabolism, so she has to eat less and exercise more in order to continue to lose weight. It disrupts the leptin receptors in the brain (that signal satiety) so she always feels hungry. By the time the second women reaches her goal weight of 120 lbs, she now has to exercise daily hard for at least an hour and eat only 900 calories, in order to maintain this weight. She will also always feel hungry and deprived, even years after losing the weight. This is why so many people fail to lose weight and keep it off long term. When they start to eat a regular amount of calories again, with their newly lowered metabolism, they quickly gain back the weight and then some…leading to more depression and fatigue etc.

It is NOT a simple matter of calories in, calories out. It does not mean that your fat spouse is lazy or that they don’t respect you, themselves, or that they don’t love you enough to lose weight.

I can’t tell you how much I wanted to lose weight for my husband, but it was so incredibly hard. He’s always been naturally thin, he had no idea what I was going through! Still, his love for me has motivated me to keep trying. If you really do love your wife (even though you aren’t attracted to her right now) try being more romantic with her again, even if you’re faking it. Try to giver her more hugs and kisses and to tell her how much you appreciate everything she does for you. It might just start to turn things around, and maybe you will be able to find her attractive again!
- Littlemissfun
  
  This was just beautiful advice. Well done.
carla

I dnt think hes a jerk. You clearly love her but it is normal to want physical attraction. I feel for the both of you. Passion is a beautiful drug when u can share it with someone u love..theres more to it than jst physical appearance but in such a physical act u still need some level of physical attraction. Have u sort professional help? Such as psych as she may need help changing her mentality and help the both of u navigate thru this hardship together. Its good u were honest because u need to be in order to incite change. If u have a professional help u both voice ur feelings in a healthy way this can make I stronger. Xo hope u get thru. U are not selfish or a jerk. U are human
Ali ebee

I am a fat wife, this could easily be my husband saying these things, only i didnt drink, i found comfort in food. I stay up and eat because i know my husband feels this way about me (yes hes told me). Its been a cycle of trying to lose weight and not having a rapid change means he still has no desire for me, the failure is palpable, tangible and therefore the bad habits return 10 fold. Sometimes i think sex would the best exercise for me physically and emotionally. Being desired on any level would make me want to be desirable and more motivated to maintain being desirable to my husband. Unfortunately the rejection is a killer and affects how i feel about myself and so continues a cycle that is breaking both of us and our marriage.
- jani m
  
  If you want sex then you make yourself sexually attractive.
Tammy

Oh my goodness, this is not shallow. I am shocked at some of the comments here. SHE owns this! Where is HER commitment to the marriage!? When you are unhappy, it is not your spouses responsibility to make you happy. It is your personal responsibility to maintain discipline. You don’t even start drinking, over eating, or putting yourself in a compromising position. You check with a doctor and especially as a female, get your hormones in check. If she doesn’t care enough about herself and her marriage, to take care of herself, everyone has a breaking point where they can’t go down with the ship. (Coming from someone that has worked diligently at her marriage for 25 years and continues to have a very intimate marriage). Good luck to you, I don’t envy your position.
Lyn Singer

The day my husband told me I was to fat to love was they day I moved out.
Never been happier and found a man who loves me fat, thin, green, or purple.
- KC
  
  I think there’s a big difference between feeling unattracted because someone is fat, and being “too fat to love”. He’s not saying that – he clearly loves her, but is not physically attracted to her. But cudos to you for finding happiness with someone who doesn’t want to damage your self-esteem!
- Alessio Pinna
  
  You mean, you find a fat fetishist -.-
- John
  
  Glad it worked out for you. I think women need to be careful with this “grass is greener” philosophy. You seem like you are happy now, and I truly wish you well. But make no mistake, there are clearly more overweight women out there looking for men then men will to marry overweight women.
Melbmum

Sorry but I don’t really believe this marriage is built on love. This would be a non-issue if there was a rock solid foundation to this marriage. While I applaud honesty, it seems to me that physciality is more important and has more influence in the marriage than love and respect. How very sad for her.
Frynnsk

I get it. People in this thread will call you selfish. But i dont think its her weight thats the problem. Its that she lost her confidence, she doesnt take care of herself, she has a drinking problem. Confident people are attractive people no matter what their body shape. How about buying her a day at the spa? Going for walks with her? Telling her how much you love her? Tell her what a great mother she is? Take care of her and in turn she will take care of herself. Hopefully the drinking will be reduced when her confidence comes back. She sounds like she could be depressed. And she needs you to help her get back to where she was.
Jamms

This has nothing to do with being fat. People don’t marry based on looks alone. Well, they might, but that’s just a marriage waiting to end really isn’t it?

Late 30’s is when a woman’s shape and metabolism starts to change, it’s natural. Unusually high weight gain is harder to lose too.

It’s not about the weight. It’s about the attitudes. I’m glad my marriage is more solid and meaningful than this.
Mary Borg

You’re a superficial jerk. Get over it and grow up.
CourtyB

I can totally understand where you’re coming from, because I’m in exactly the same situation. For several years now, I have felt zero attraction to my husband. And it’s a source of constant stress.
Once I delved a little deeper into my feelings, I realised it wasn’t just his physical self (beer gut etc) that turned me off…but what this represented. For me, it represented unattractive qualities such as laziness (‘can’t be bothered exercising’), self-indulgence (too much booze etc), and selfishness (cared more about booze and food than staying healthy to have energy for the kids). These were the things that were turning me off, more than his physical self. Because if he was trying to stay healthy and active, if he cared for his health etc but happened to be overweight still, that wouldn’t worry me. The same as if we had an emotional connection, I wouldn’t mind the gut.
Tess Avis

Well this bloke has a few supporters here. I am struggling to find something redeemable about this man who promised to love and cherish his wife through sickness and health! She is depressed and drinking, that is your priority, not the fact she has gained weight. Organise relationship counselling and go with her to her doctor to explain your worries about her mental health. DO NOT mention anything about her weight, that will not serve her any good seeing as she is more than aware that she has gained weight. Stop feeling sorry for yourself and beating your wife up over something you have hangups about, and HELP her!!
Elwood Blues

Here’s an idea: quit your job. Stop financially supporting her. My guess is she’ll get skinny real fast looking for another sucker to get fat with. Women like this are simply using your guilt to get obese and disgusting. She doesn’t respect herself and she doesn’t respect you. If she loves you (which is painfully obvious she doesn’t) she’ll try to do what she knows she has to do. She’ll get skinny all right… so she can find another dummy like you.
- pinkglitter
  
  And you mister sound like a really disgusting misogynist…clearly a woman can get fat because of depression..but a man who truly loves her stays by her side to encourage her, not act like a selfish man like you suggest ….you should be ashamed of yourself….
  - EW
    
    None of you have read this article properly! He still loves her! He’s just not attracted to her anymore. The two feelings are mutually exclusive and that is exactly what he is trying to explain. He also stated that his wife WAS unhappy for a while, but that the cause of that has now disappeared and the reason she is unhappy now is because of her weight. Stop man-bashing him and read the damn article properly. He is not saying that he doesn’t love her anymore, or that he is planning on leaving her. He is just explaining an issue he has and repeatedly says how ashamed he is and how much he hates himself for feeling this way…clearly not the dickhead you’re all making him out to be. I am in the same position. My fiance has put a lot of weight on over the last couple of years and I’m finding myself less attracted to him. That DOES NOT mean that I don’t still love the hell out of him, or that I don’t want to marry him and spend the rest of our lives together, because I will always choose our love over attraction. I just want our relationship and future to be the best that it can be, which would include having a great sex life where we can enjoy having fun and being intimate for the rest of our days. I have tried encouraging him to be active with me as you are all suggesting, and he just finds excuses not to because he has become quite lazy. He has admitted to me that he’s not happy with his weight and that he wants to fix it but he has trouble keeping to any healthy eating plan or exercise and soon falls off the bandwagon. It’s not because he is unhappy. Quite the opposite. We have had an amazing couple of years and have become a bit comfortable in our post-engagement bliss. Too much celebrating and indulging. The only reason I haven’t suffered from the same fate is because I kept my fitness regime up the whole way through. So stop giving this guy a hard time and applaud him for doing what we always wish guys would do more of…share their honest feelings without fear of retribution. Be an open community of intelligent, mature and caring women and give him some advice that might actually help, rather than calling him names and belittling the fact that he has come up against a very human problem. You’re like a pack of rabid wolves going in for the kill, and its really disappointing. Think before you troll!
- Suzannah Taylor
  
  what a totally revolting answer.
Doringrosie

Dude, I feel sorry for you, because it seems you haven’t figured a few things out yet:

One: Your wife probably knows you’re not attracted to her anymore. A woman knows when her man is just going through the motions and when he’s genuinely passionate. She can feel it – trust me. Don’t you think that might have prompted her to give up?

Two: You’re both getting older. And with getting older, certain body changes will happen. Real women do get heavier as they get older. It comes with maturity. What did you think you were going to do when you both aged, got wrinkles, went grey/bald, gained weight – trade her in for a newer model?

Three: You’re probably no Romeo either anymore. You will also probably pick up some weight, go bald, pick up some wrinkles, etc. It comes with getting older.

Four: If your wife ever does change her physique into a Victoria Secret model-esque figure, what incentive does she have to stay with you? Who knows? She might be able to do better.
- Alessio Pinna
  
  What happens with the fake women that do not get obese when they grow old? Like, i dont know, my mom (60+)?
Sonja McMullen

Seems like she started drinking out of unhappiness very early into the marriage. Maybe HE is the root of all her problems. I hope she gets some help for the drinking & can get healthier and happier
- Lucylilly
  
  You should never blame someone for drinking. Like saying that hitting is ok. She has issues that need to be dealt with but blaming someone for drinking, drug or eating habits is not going to treat the addiction.
Marissa Claudio

The way you are looking at this is very mature. I think you guys should split. I think you should tell her that all the love is gone. I think you should ask her to read this article. Where it is spelled out so eloquently. She probably wants love and sex and attraction too. It’s not getting better. Get a divorce.
Lollybell

I understand how you feel. My husband has gained 10 stone in 10 years. I love him more than words can say but his weight is ruining our marriage. He is so large now that sex is becoming physically difficult, not that we do it often. People might say I’m shallow, but like you I find it hard to see beyond the double chin and big belly. We have 3 children, I don’t want them to be mocked by for having a fat dad, nor do I want them to think that being his size is either healthy or normal. He knows he needs to shape up but is too lazy. He’s a walking heart attack waiting to happen, so aside from how he looks he is risking leaving his children without a father. We are in our early 30s, I feel like these are issues we should not be having
Danielle

This is a shame. You need to start by sticking to the promise you made that woman five years ago, Selfish. You need to love that woman regardless of her body. No, there is no unspoken rule that you both will work at being attractive to one another. That’s foolishness. There IS an unspoken rule however that, in a marriage, you do your level best to alleviate your partner’s load. So if you saw her suffering various stresses outside the home and only became one more– instead of showing her that the home you have together and your heart are her safe place, then you failed her long before her appearance failed you.
You have some growing up to do. It is your job to make your wife your centerpiece, to cherish, love, and serve her. Treat her special, like you love her and are excited by her. Romance her. Your actions won’t change her appearance, but maybe if you stopped treating her like a sister and like the woman you adored and wanted to marry, the stress that led her to start drinking and dive into depression will subside. Both of those things cause weight gain. Knowing your husband is ashamed of you doesn’t help.
So fix your attitude. Fix your head. Fix your actions. Love that woman. You’re so right, she deserves so much better. And if she hasn’t tried to leave you yet and still loves you, consider yourself lucky. Cause your attitude and lack of maturity on the reality of relationships aren’t gonna change when you jump ship and find someone smaller. Work on what you have got. Build on this. Love her through your actions and treat her like she is still your world. Fix your mindset. Stop being a naive little boy about this.

Marriage is NEVER about you. It’s about making a home in your heart for someone else. Whether you feel like they “deserve it” or not. You furnish that home in your heart with kindness, with love and sacrifice, with gentleness, listening, and understanding. You make her wanna run home to you and your arms after the world has beat her down. You promise her that she has a heart to run home to. You DON’T effing ask her to run to the gym to be better for a man who doesn’t know how to love her and be a HUSBAND.
- Helen Wheatland
  
  oh geez seriously, god forbid someone states that they are physically not attracted. he is sticking by her and being respectful he is talking about his instinctive physical attraction. He clearly understands what marriage is about. you sound so defensive and this has hit a nerve in you.
  - Danielle
    
    Haha! I honestly hope you aren’t often in the position where someone spells something out for you and you showcase just how little you understand. Your comment was just embarrassingly ignorant.
    
    Sorry you’re of a mind that losing attraction, sex, physicality, and communication skills in a marriage still spells out a healthy and respectful relationship. Good Lord. People these days will see yellow paint and call it gold.
    - John
      
      What about the promise she made…..”to love, honor, and RESPECT”. How is she respecting her marriage or her husband by letting herself go like this? It seems hypocritical to me that women complain about men not sticking by a woman “in sickness and in health”, when they themselves refuse to have enough respect for their husband to deal with the issue that is clearly a dissatisfier in the marriage.
- Charlieboz
  
  So he should love, cherish and make her his centre piece, but she doesn’t have to even try to be a functioning adult? Sounds realistic
Crystal M. Vik

wow.. I have no sympathy for this guy. Sounds very selfish. I see this one of two ways. 1) She’s not happy with him either and quit taking care of herself or 2) she got some things going on and he sure isn’t supporting her through it. Gym memberships? How about honey let’s go for a walk or enroll in some dance classes? Doing things together as a couple doesn’t seem to be as forced as “gym membership”. If he’s not willing to keep his vows of better or worst then he shouldn’t be married or get married again.
roya

I’m the fat wife and I get it. It’s no surprise, in fact I suspect all newly fat wives feel the guilt associated with getting unattractive.
- Helen Wheatland
  
  just because someone is overweight doesn’t mean they are unattractive
Glen Black

Go on the diet with her, and go to the gym with her. Exercising with someone actually increases your attraction to them. Also, maybe you aren’t as fit as you once were either? You need to be more supportive of your wife. Attraction is a two way street. You can’t just sit around waiting for her to ‘fix’ all of your problems and expect things to get better. Marriage should be about two people working together toward their goals.
Nicole

Personally I think your a total jerk! If your wife has depression she would be finding motivation incredibly hard, it is a horrible never ending cycle that brings you down. Don’t shame her for having difficulty changing! If you do ‘love’ her you would be making it about both of you, participating in the exercise, doing things with her to help her be healthy. At the end of the day though if what you care about is just her looks then she definitely deserves a greater man than you!
McJayJay

There’s nothing wrong with wanting your wife to be healthy. At a size 18 she’s putting her health at risk, she will die a lot earlier, leaving you and your kids if you have them, she could struggle to conceive if you haven’t had kids. Hard as it may be to lose weight she’s actually just being lazy and selfish. Sure love and support her but if my hubby turned into a porker I would be very unimpressed too.
- Maggie
  
  Wow. Your a tool. How do you know her health is at risk? I am 38, a size 22, and my test results from the doctor look like I am a 25 year old size 12. It is extraordinarily ignorant to say weight automatically makes you unhealthy, there are plenty of sickly thin folks. Please take your head out of your ass before commenting again.
  - McJayJay
    
    Jesus Maggie, you’re just rude! And I really doubt that your doctor recommends you stay that size. My dad is overweight and gets great blood tests back too but that doesn’t mean that the strain of weight on his muscular skeletal system is doing him any good, are you ready for knee replacements before your 40?
    Yes you’re right, there are a lot of really skinny people that are unhealthy but that’s not what this post is about. He’s struggling to love his unmotivated, probably depressed wife and there’s nothing wrong with that. It is hard to love someone that doesn’t love themselves.
    So next time you hide behind your computer and throw out ridiculous insults maybe use your brain, if enough blood is reaching it and write something intelligent.
Jess Flowers

I think expecting a person to stay the same as the day you married them is an unrealistic goal. What happens when you both get old? Are you not going to love her because she is not as young as she once was? You take the good with the bad. Support her..
- KMC
  
  I think is kind of answer is ye old, cmon, the guy obviously tried changing her around with he gym and what not, she did not take it, its on her. He did what any loving man could have done and tried finding a solution instead of just straight up banging some chick so yeah its his time to be liberated.
- wilfred
  
  Why is it unrealistic? I’m sick of women saying, “oh I had kids, and I can’t lose the weight”. Yes you can. Exercise and eat right.
  - Jess Flowers
    
    If it were that simple everyone would be thin, you have no grasp on reality. Until you are a woman who has had a baby and has struggled to lose the weight you have no right to comment on how ‘easy’ it is.
Esther Keeling

I’m sure this thread is going to be filled up with people calling this guy shallow and feeling sorry for his wife. I also feel sorry for her, but I also get his point of view. My brother left his fiancee for the same reason and although she was a lovely person I could understand where he was coming from and I know how much he agonised over it and and beat himself up. You do need to find your partner attractive if you’re going to have a chance of making it work long term. Some people have a tendency to get lazy about what got them together in the first place and although the spark is going to simmer down naturally, there still has to be an attraction there physically as well as mentally/emotionally.