The sweat was literally running into my butt crack.
It was eleven billion degrees (okay, it was at least 38) and I was pressed up against what appeared to be a sweaty, bearded zygote. This was the moment that I realised I was too old for music festivals.
My previous job involved musicians and attending festivals in laneways. Until not so long ago, I genuinely enjoyed them and willingly signed up for them. I’d been a festival goer, a live concert connoisseur, since I could legally gain access.
But suddenly and without warning, the heat, a full bladder, a seemingly never-ending line to a dirty portaloo, a dull headache from the shitty canned beer and the sight of so many ironic fucking hipsters tipped me over the edge. I just wanted to be home already. On my couch and binge watching TV.
Yes. I’d turned into this guy:
In that moment, there seemed to be far too many reasons I was simply too old for this shit.
Let me count the ways:
1. THE COST
Okay, let’s assume you’re attending one of those 2-4 day kind of festivals that has the words ‘dayz’ or ‘roots’ in the title.
You’ve already dropped the budget of a small African nation JUST to walk in the gate. Then there’s the camping tariff and the cost of the booze to factor in. Add it all up and I swear it’d be cheaper to buy the albums of every one of the bands playing and listen to them as you fly away on a European escape.
Ten dollar beers, people. TEN DOLLARS! And you can’t even get pissed on them because they get hot before you’ve even had your third sip. I am too old to justify dropping this kind of coinage on a mediocre experience.
2. THE (ALLEGED) DRUG USE
Yeah, so I’m not really one to take drugs. I’ve always maintained I’d be the person who tries them for the first time and ends up in a vegetative state for the rest of their lives but EVEN if I did, I’d now just feel like a sad loser among all those young kids. That, or the sniffer dogs would get me at the gate.
3. THE CAMPING
I’ve camped before, lots of times. And when I was in my late teens and early 20s, it was fun. A novelty even. Now, however, my idea of fun does not include sleeping five metres away from a vomit patch and/or laying on a muddy mattress.
4. THE LACK OF PERSONAL SPACE
I get it, I’m there to see a band and if I want to be able to see them properly, I have no choice but to get up close and personal to others. But when I actually swallowed some stranger’s sweat that he’d FLICKED FROM HIS BEARD, I was done with the front row. No matter how cool the band.
5. THE BANDS
I was lucky enough to see Nirvana. It was 1992 and I was definitely not legally allowed to be in there and that was what made it so freaking awesome. I’ve seen too many legendary bands to mention or count but now, now I struggle to recognise even a handful of the names in the lineups.
Even if I do know them, the best ones don’t come on until really late and I’m just too tired to wait that long. I mean, even when I was young, I barely made it to the end of any of these festivals because I was never good at pacing myself but now, at the tender age of 40+, a solid 10-hour day of drinking in the hot sun eating $25 pizza slices has me ready to pack it in by sundown.
6. THE DICKHEADS
My tolerance for dickheads is at an all-time low. Confession: I was once one of the dickheads. But guys spitting beer at each other, or girls yelling loudly and “play” wrestling in a circle while everyone around them smokes cones, now just annoys the bejesus out of me.
7. THE LINING UP
Nope.
Lining up for the toilet? Nope.
Lining up for tickets for alcohol so you can then line up again for said alcohol? Nope.
Lining up for overpriced/watered down vodka sodas? Nope.
Lining up for an hour just to get a train home? Nope.
This is not to say I’m done with live music altogether. Hell no, I’ve still got years left in me to go see good bands perform.
But my days of sweaty mosh pits and festival lineups are well and truly done. I’ll leave that to the younger kids, as I should have a little while ago.
When did you realise that you’ve suddenly outgrown something that you once found fun?
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DEBRIEF DAILY