‘Life’s too short for toxic friends. This is how I got rid of mine.’

Last year I had to euthanise a friendship. It had been unwell for some time but after attempting all manner of optimistic treatments to try and nurse it back to good health, I finally realised I had to end its suffering.

Or, rather, my suffering.

This person was toxic and after every interaction, I felt angry or upset or frustrated. There was no upside to this friendship anymore and if there ever had been, I could no longer recall what it was.

And so I ended it.

Unlike romantic relationships which are understood to usually have an expiry date, there’s this weird belief that friendships should last forever. But why?

There are friends who you have nothing in common with anymore – except that you used to be friends.

There are friends whose lives are just so different to yours that it becomes difficult to remain close.

There are friends who move countries who get busy who make other friends.

But there is no defriend button in life.

Mia.

So what do you do?

There are two ways you can end a friendship; quickly and with lots of drama or slowly, allowing it to simply die of neglect. A lot like any plant I have ever owned.

From experience, I find that the second way, although far less satisfying, is ultimately the most effective. And far less confronting. Coward? Me?

Because if you confront your soon-to-be ex-friend about why the friendship is no longer working for you and try to detail all the reasons why you’re breaking up with them, they will inevitably defend themselves. Probably, they will accuse you of doing all sorts of things that have contributed to the toxic dynamic between you and they may well be right.

There will be argy bargy over wine, coffee, email and text. It will be exhausting and emotional and at the end of it, if your friendship is truly broken and irretrievable, nothing much will have changed.

Sometimes? It’s just time to walk away. Just like with any other kind of relationship.

That’s why I’ve come to favour the death-by-neglect approach. Scale back communication. Take longer to answer texts. Be unavailable for social arrangements. Eventually, they’ll get it. Hopefully, they’ll get it.

And you’ll be free.

True friends.

Of course, if you are American, you may want to try friendship counselling which is one of the fastest growing areas of therapy. According to news reports:

As the phrase ‘toxic friends’ becomes commonplace (and recognised by the American Psychological Association), more than 10,000 registered psychologists and counselors are offering sessions on relationships with friends in U.S.

Friendship counseling is a growing trend among women who are finding themselves feuding with the one’s they love – outside of their marriage.

Christy Stewart, 32, a school teacher and nanny, spent more than $3,000 on counseling with her best friend of six years, Kim, after their co-dependent relationship grew strained and toxic.

I’m not suggesting you chuck away a friendship if you think it still has potential. But sometimes, you know it doesn’t. Sometimes, you look at a friendship dispassionately and realise this person adds no value to your life. In fact, they diminish it.

And life’s too short for toxic friends.

Listen to the Debrief Daily podcast about friends who aren’t toxic here:

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Here are the comments

Amanda Lucks

I have had to do this many times over the last few years, i took the fast approach but i am now the one left with many enemies and a bad reputation, my last friendship breakup just last month and its still very raw! AND even though i chose to end a toxic friendship i still dont find the grieving period any easier plus the other person / people are not mature enough to see it for what it is and take it so personally it ends up an all out war! I have also tried the slow approach and in some cases that does not work especially if those people are needy and not very bright. It should be more recognised because I find myself suffering alone!
Shreds

i wish i could do it with family members…. especially cousins who are useless, bitchy and manipulative.
Xena70

I think that is the worst and most cowardly way to end a friendship. You were friends for all sorts of reasons initially, you owe that soon-to-be ex-friendship a little more respect. I have been on the recieving end of friendships ending this way and it is absolutely heart-wrenching. The uncertainty, the self-depracation, the feeling belittled via exclusion. It is horrible to receive that kind of treatment and offers that person zero chance of becoming a better person.
It is unlikely that one person is the SOLE cause of a friendship gone bad but it can happen. So either way, you get to be honest with them, you get to be honest with yourself no matter how hard the “retaliatory” comments are to hear, and you should both come out better people.
Why can’t we as adults act like mature adults? Shame on you.
Frynnsk

I had a toxic friend. She was so negative about everything that it was affecting my life. When I moved to get a better job she said “ya that will never work” when i found a super cheap apartment in a decent neighborhood (a miracle in this area) she mumbled “ya wont last long, they will raise the rent just wait and see” . Even her own life sucked according to her. If things went right such as a promotion at work, she complained they just gave it to her because they had no one else to give it to. I tried many times to talk to her about it to no avail. She exhibits no other signs of depression as far as I can tell. When i realized that i dreaded any interaction with her, i knew i had to end the friendship. So i eased away from her slowly and gradually. She eventually asked me outright why i wasnt as available anymore and told her the truth. I said ” i cant handle your negativity all the time. Nothing is ever good. If you won the lottery you would find something bad about that” she sat quietly for a few awkward moments and then said “you aren’t the first person to say this to me” she got up and left. I felt like the biggest bitch on the planet but after a couple weeks of not having her around i felt like i did the right thing. It sucks but sometimes its necessary.
Amber Celeste Newman

I agree 100% about scaling back communication. There is no point causing a huge drama when you can just walk away slowly & drama free.
I really love the phrase toxic friendship. Unfortunately that’s what some of them can turn into or always were. It is extremely fitting, especially when they cause you stress or anxiety (which I see as poisonous) that can make you quite sick.
Carolina Pirutti

Your choice of ending a friendship slowly and without honesty is passive aggressive and does not do you or your friend any favors. Passive aggressive behavior is what is toxic not your friend.
- Hannah Melissa Britz
  
  Not necessarily, I think its actually very mature. You’ve got to pick your battles in life and the battle isn’t necessary if there’s no chance or point to the friendship continuing, chances are both people are thinking it and it takes one person to initiate it.
  - Xena70
    
    Unless that person is left completely wondering why the friendship ended.
    As I said in my main comment, to be on the receiving end of this is just awful and creates so much doubt in yourself as a person. Why would you do that to anyone? Why can’t you be open and honest without having a “battle”? There’s plenty of grey here. You can still walk away and neglect the friendship after telling the truth. it doesn’t need a battle but just stopping communication is simple cowardice.
Maxine Harrison

Its very sad when you have been friends since childhood an you both had a very sad abusive childhood an you understood one another an tried to support each other,, then one develops an grows an puts the abuse behind them an moves forward an the other one remainds “broken” an continues on a downward spiral an then becomes very jealous of the survivor an becomes malicious, an you still love them but cant have them in your life anymore,,,, we just stop talking, we no longer send birthday wishes or christmas wishes but i know she, like me always remember the good times one day we may speak again I think an pray that day will come before we move on from this world
Sarah

The term “toxic relationship” is great click-bait, but implies that your former friend is poisonous, malignant, potentially fatal, deathly, noxious, venomous etc. Fitting adjectives for serials killers and 20th century despots, but rather unkind for a fellow human who was once a friend. Doesn’t gel with the “Sisterhood” agenda of your site.
Narelle Pearce

If you’re done with a friendship cut it off quickly, do not drag it out and hope they get the hint..that seems quite childish to me.
Caitlin Fitzsimmons

Every friendship starts and ends with honest communication. Scaling back commitments and being evasive to avoid confrontation is just passive-aggressive and ultimately far more hurtful, in my opinion.